I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
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I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Whisper out to librarians!
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids