Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
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Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
That time Alicia messaged me
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
early stone age tool
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.