Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
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So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
one last job
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy