walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
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The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
You are not alone 💚
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.