I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
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*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
They must have gotten it to go.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché