a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
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before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime