Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
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(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Pot warmers of the day.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.