#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
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My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
i wish we could shoplift online
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.