Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
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Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I’m ready for Halloween this year
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*