Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
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3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Always a metermaid never a meter
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.