Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
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You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.