GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
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Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!