I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
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on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
i hope my email finds you on fire
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler