Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
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I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.