I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
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I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.