Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
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Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles