crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
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Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Ummm
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.