CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
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If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.