domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
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I…do not understand how electricity works.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.