USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
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Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.