I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
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Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Fidel Castro was alive?
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.