Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
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Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
even bears disappoint their mothers
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.