Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
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*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing