*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
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Always leave them wanting their money back.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
*seductively peels off lederhosen
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
The Onion called it…again.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭