When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
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Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
My beach vacation Google searches
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.