Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
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Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
what’s more important?
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.