Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
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wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
My background check bounced.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time