None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
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“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Tell the colonel to bring it
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
(Musicians.)
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese