Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
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MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Doggies just call it style.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*