I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
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I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
😂😂
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH