All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
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The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
a fate I wish upon no one
is nasa ok
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
This tweet has been deleted
Sounds like a bargain
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.