Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
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I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Attacked by a mop.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…