There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
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[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –