why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
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I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
You can’t rush stupid.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.