I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
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Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
We’ve come full circle
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Breaking news:
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.