The Sun’s probably Asian.
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I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Me in tagged photos
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken