“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
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[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Guys, I found it.