IT’S-A ME,
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Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.