You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
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A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,