Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
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I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.