I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
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If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind