Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
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[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a