I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
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Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard