Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
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Bike for sale
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec