I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
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Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
the clam before the storm
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe