My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
You Might Also Like
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Just why bro?!
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them