gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
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A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Knock Knock
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”