David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
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Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
#Caturday
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’