Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
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Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves