YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
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eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.